5.23.2012

country tales.

Today we're going to talk about flower beds! Gardens! Plants!

Hell.

Let me tell you a story. One time I decided to weed the flower bed in my front yard. I was pumped. Wearing my work boots even! I felt like this little domestic rockstar that had a clean house, laundry done and yard freshly mowed.

Just kidding, none of that is true. Actually I was avoiding all that jazz by going outside to weed the flower beds.

That's when I saw it. A snake.

Just slithering along, cocky little thing.

Of course I took action by calling Mr. B.

"There's a snake in the front yard!" I screamed.

"Kallie you have to kill it, go grab a shovel or hoe and chop its head off" he calmly said.


"I CAN'T DO THAT!" 

"Yes you can, you can do it." How does he stay so calm?

"WHY ARE YOU SO FAR AWAY? I..I.. I CAN'T DO IT! I THINK I'M GOING TO THROW UP." 

See a pattern here? It's me screaming, in case you missed it.

Then I started crying. And cussing. And surprisingly I still have a husband.

After my little pep talk from my 45 mile away husband who couldn't kill this snake for me, I ran to the garage and grabbed a spade. When I got back it was slithering its nasty body up my house. Still scared out of my mind I got as close to the snake as I could and threw the spade at it as hard as I could.

Well guess what? The spade broke.

And I start to realize that while it looks like its going into my siding, it was actually going in my flipping siding.

Now, I'm pissed. After a few choice words that start with 'you mother..' and end with something I can't say on this blog because I still want my Dad to love me, I ran back to the garage to get another shovel.

Obviously I've slowed down quite a little bit since high school because when I got back to the front yard only the tail of the snake was showing outside the siding of my house.

And I whacked that tail like it was Satan himself.

I didn't think I killed it because it never came back out, but then our front side of the house started smelling. Bad. Real bad. Like there was a dead cow in our wall.

So, Mr. B and his friend (which is my best friends fiancé, which we've planned forever that our husbands will be great friends and then we'll have kids that will be partners in crime and they will love our cooking no matter what- clearly we're on our way to our dream) smashed open the wall and guess what? That snake was there. Dead as a door nail. Rotting. And smelling. And smelling. And..smelling.

And then, because Mr. B was gagging, Eric threw the dead thing in the cornfield.

My precious dog decided to bring it to my door step the next day. He's so thoughtful.


But the main point of this whole story? I killed a snake. Bam.






2 comments:

.sarah.marie. said...

that is one massive snake!!!
good work!!!

Megan said...

There are SO many things wrong with this.

1 - I have to point out, I was right. It WAS a snake in your siding that died and stunk.

2 - Ok. So, that snake that Shane killed with that shovel was obviously a DIFFERENT snake???!!!!

3 - What if the snake Copper brought you was a 3RD ONE???!!!

I'm freaking out.